This is a story of heartbreak. This wasn’t an ordinary one to tell as this is arguably the last one this boy ever dealt. After this one he never saw hope in people. It wasn’t a “woman” or “love” thing to subject the blame to; it was people. Anyone is capable of hurting; as a cause or the effected. It just so happened to be this catalyst was a woman.
This boy’s name is Sincere.
This girl’s name is Star.
There’s fair history between the two friends as any story would go. They were friends until they weren’t. They’d find each other texting at random hours of the night even far passed when they should be asleep. It could be 3AM and either would text back, and either would respond.
It’s their senior year, summer is on its way and everyone’s setting their plans in motion for college. Sincere’s unsure of his future, as his academics for the year wouldn’t speak for him in an application to any school. Covid and social distancing did a number on the mind the first lockdown can we blame him? Yes. We have to.
He’s out to Michigan with his mom for his birthday. He originally planned to hang out with his friends that week but all had planned ahead of time and his parents missed him gravely. There wasn’t much room for argument as he’d hoped this trip would ease him out of the anxiety the next few weeks he’d have to endure.
Throughout his trip he’s texting her, consistently. She’s the only person he’s centered his gravity toward during his trip which wasn’t a wise thing to do.
One day she texts him “I love you.” out the blue. As much as he wants to believe she meant it the way he would; there was doubt. But the romantics overrode and he replied “hold me accountable should I forget.” The doubt only grew days after the initial message.
Sincere’s curiosity peaked and he asked this time “What did you mean by that?” He waited for a response for what seemed like an hour as the typing bubble appeared and disappeared. Star must’ve been trying to word it properly until;
“I meant that I have love for you.”
Sincere was still confused by this statement; it didn’t seem like a true let alone direct answer. She’s never said it to him before at any other occasion. So why now? His thoughts overwhelmed him for a night of emotion. He didn’t want to think about it, but the innate dumbness of a boy is always seeking more answers.
The next morning, Sincere wakes up to the house door open. His mother is on the porch getting work done with some breakfast. He’s quiet, the unsettling muteness you’d see from someone after crying.
“Hey, you okay?” His Mom asks.
He nods his head slightly as he lets his head drift elsewhere. Then somehow back to Star’s reply.
“Momma what’s it mean when someone says they have love for you?”
His mom sets her laptop down and pauses to think.
“It means that whoever this is; is wasting your time.”
“What do you mean?”
She pauses again.
“When someone says they have love for you, It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. But it means that they just want to keep you near, rather than confront what they feel for you. Which is why I say they’re wasting your time, because I know you. I know how you love, and someone saying that to you is just a rude awakening for you.”, she finishes.
His stomach sinks as he sits with the thought. He’s overthinking now. There’s too many thoughts. He can’t stop them. If there’s anything he doesn’t enjoy; it’s being played. He’s been played before and he promised himself never again.
He’s scrolling through Instagram; trying to distract himself. It’s apparent he can’t avoid seeing her either. She pops up on his feed, at a party that most of his friends are at. He’d heard about the party but wasn’t invited initially so he played it off. It didn’t seem like any of his business cause he was busy himself. He thought to himself with assurance and tried his best to enjoy the rest of his trip.
He’d come back home to a mess of drama; so and so is talking to this guy. So and so is leading people on…he’d inadvertently inserted himself into a separate situation altogether, which lead him meeting up with his friend to talk about it. They decided to meet up at the school the day before graduation. The girl he was meeting up with is Hope.
Hope was an on and off friend with Sincere given her own interests from time to time. However I t seemed imperative she explain her side of the story in the situation. She comes up in a car full of their friends, all squeeze together. Some sitting on another’s lap; Star included. The cars too full for him to hop in so she offers to meet up at a local diner.
Star is sitting across the table next to a guy she’s rather close to. Too close. There’s an itch along Sincere’s neck, his stomach twisting. The thought of eating is making him sick, not only; but the jealousy too. To atop, the others at the table were recalling what happened at the party. And more specifically what she did. Sincere grows pale, and stiff.
Hope is in his left ear trying her best to explain her situation to Sincere, but sound isn’t the medium in the room. Not a decibel heard as he’s reading the face of a new stranger across the table. Her face shows guilt but there truly is none. He knows it.
He got his last and final answer, after all had paid for the food; he got up and left the diner in silence.
There was shame, and more importantly humiliation in thinking about any of what he thought towards her. There was rage, but it was misplaced and acting as a mask. He knew better than to direct his emotions to anger. His mother taught him better. His rage was sadness and his sadness was naivety, realization and distrust. A rude awakening into the adult world.
It’s been two years since, and Sincere is fearful of making connections with anyone. He’s fearful that with those you choose to be vulnerable with will hold it invaluable and loosely. He doesn’t trust anyone anymore. He’s so mistrusting so much so that his guard is always up now, and he’s scared. He’s scared to let it down not once. He’s had his chances and opportunities at love since. And that catalyst…oh man she sped up a fear he had way before it started. Sped up, enhanced, confirmed.
But just It’s a situation. That’s all it is. No bad guys, just misdirection and ire stupidity of my own undoing. And as subjective it is to tell this story, I just want to express how it made him feel. He doesn’t hate her for what she did; we have free fucking will.
I’m scared for this coming winter. For the last two years; winter has been the hardest to deal with. Emotions run high at the start and progressively get worse at the peak of it.
My only support system here in Michigan is my mom. Back in New York I had friends I could go to but not here. Not yet. My only way of making friends in a new city is via work. I’ve made a few given the summer warmth fortunately but come winter I don’t want what happened this year to happen again.
This reminds me of those winter days at home a few years ago. My friends and I walking home together in the cold and talking about something stupid funny. The cold never bothered me when I wasn’t alone.
